Side one
Track one: Something
that starts off quietly then builds to righteous crescendo then
fades as slowly as it began. It should be someone not too famous or
obvious, but recognizable to your listener. Like Radiohead but without it being Radiohead. (Explosions in the Sky? Why not?)
Track two: A heavy guitar rocker. Something to let your
listener know that this won’t be a lie in your bed and sulk experience. Options: Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Le Butcherettes, or Motorhead. You know what, just go with Motorhead. Try Black Mountain if you want to show them you're ahead of the music snob curve. But really, you need to go with Motorhead.
Track three: An
instrumental track. Mood music with a slightly experimental edge. A
track that asks are you really, really
listening? If you're stumped just raid Bill Laswell's discography.
Track four: A banging
hip hop tune by a rapper with socially conscious lyrics. For
your friend who keeps thoughtlessly exclaiming that rap isn’t art. Suggestions: Sweat Shop Union or Mr. Lif. (No Kanye!!!)
Track five: Something
with a Middle Eastern or Latin influence with sultry female vocals
that identifies you as erudite and cosmopolitan. Natascha Atlas, Ceu, or Omara Portuando will do, but avoid using The Girl from Ipanema.
Track six: A joke
track. Something campy or satirical such as a sound clip from Beavis and Butthead or a stand up bit by Mitch Hedberg. So your listener doesn’t
think you take yourself too seriously. If you're not the humorous type then this a place to get avant garde and lay some Einsturzende Neubauten or early Frank Zappa on them.
Track seven: Something that
says but I do want you take me seriously.
Drop something acoustic
or symphonic with deeply emotive lyricism. Refrain from using anything
by Elliott Smith (too cultish) or Leonard Cohen (too obvious) here.
Track eight: Your
requisite dance track. Preferably electronic. Preferably loud. Preferably
infectious. A song that you can’t help but jump around when you hear it. You want your
listener to be hyperventilating as they turn the tape over. Options: Scissor Sisters, Dee-Lite, or mess with their sensibilities by dropping some Van McCoy. (Jamiroquai? Do you even need to ask?)
Side two
Track one: Your
ironic track. Perhaps an old showtune or a ubiquitous pop song from
the 1960’s. Refrain from using anything by the Beatles or Michael Jackson
here. Recommended: The Monkees or a song from Hair.
Track two: A teeth
rattling heavy metal track. Something that makes them leap to
turn the volume down after they turned it up for the previous track. This
is to make sure you still have their attention. Please, no Metallica. Try Motorhead. I did mention Motorhead to you already, right? Good. Motorhead it is.
Track three: Something
downtempo with a lush string arrangement and synthesized drums.
The track should include a violin or cello solo. Be sure to avoid using
Bjork or Sade. It shows you're not really putting any thought into this thing. Instead go with something like San Ilya or Zero7.
Track four: Hip hop part
two. But this time you are looking for a party anthem. Preferably
something recorded before 1990 in order to communicate that
you know your rap history. Recommended: Schooly D or Kurtis Blow.
Track five: Post bop
jazz. This is always a smooth transition from hip hop. Keep it instrumental.
Keep it up tempo. Keep it obscure. Using Coltrane or Miles Davis will
reveal that you are just a tourist to jazz snobs. Eric Dolphy or Ahmad Jamal
is workable, but we recommend you aim for something your listener
has probably never heard (though they’ll never admit they learned about the song from you). Anthony Braxton, Bill Dixon, or David S. Ware will suit your needs.
Track six: Raunchy,
sloppy, angry punk that sounds like it was recorded in an abandoned
warehouse with a single microphone. Don't you dare think about making it a Sex Pistols song. The Exploited or Crass is more what you're going for here. If your mix is already too male heavy at this point then go with the Pretenders, if you haven't already used them. And if you haven't selected the Pretenders already, then shame on you.
Track seven: You’re in the
home stretch. Hit them with an extended funk track, bass heavy,
with a sparkling horn section. Warning: James Brown will reveal your
amateur status. (See Wattstax library.) Let's cut to the bone here; you just need to insert some Betty ****ing Davis right this minute.
Track eight: The point here is to be HUGE. Something that simulaneously communicates beauty and danger, hope and dread, simplicity and grandeur. You want your listener to lose sleep after hearing this. The song
should end with a single instrument playing for a few measures too
long. Sigur Ros is acceptable, but something by Meshell N'degeocello or Red Snapper will make them think about changing their religion... or giving up religion altogether. Again, no Radiohead!
Track nine: To avoid the
impulse toward symmetry, insert another track. Something short
and unexpected (leave at least 5 seconds blank between this track and
the one before it). Some options: Anything by John Zorn, a short spoken
word poem, Aphex Twin, or better still, a personal message recorded by you,
the mixmaster, exclusively for your listener.
Remember to draw something cutesy
on the cover with a crayon and come up with a long and weird title that alludes to something you and
the listener have done together or an inside joke you share.
Also remember to pull off the
tabs on the corners of the tape so that the receiver cannot record over the masterpiece you spent an
entire evening compiling solely for their listening pleasure.
